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“He might change his ways.” That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. “But you look so happy.” Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. “For example,” he began, pointing to my husband, David, “do you know your wife’s favourite flower?But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck. “I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you? “I’ll get in trouble if I go home.” My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. ” he wrote, “My wife made me.” My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. ” David answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.” These clever jokes will make you sound smart!Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? ” Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “I thought she was selling you another house.” My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him? “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.” I was a mess. ” “It’s new, so yes.” “Would she use my golf clubs? She’s left-handed.” When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty. There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield. I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis Quaid.” “In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.” An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.Oh, and what colours do you want for the reception? “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?! A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get? “I’m married.” On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.” Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking? My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. He shared his secret: “Tell her she’s good at stuff and that she looks beautiful.” A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. “My wife.” These jokes about work will get you through the work week! When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. “At least 70 people called and told me so.” My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. “Your Honour, I stole a can of peaches.” The judge replied, “How many peaches were in the can?Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. My husband did his best to be supportive: “You’re a great artist,” “You’re a wonderful equestrian,” “You’re the most beautiful woman I know.” One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. “You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away? “When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. ” She said, “Six.” The judge then said, “I will sentence you to six days in jail.” Her husband stood up behind her and replied, “Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas.” When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. ” A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. “That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey.During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Her friend nodded sympathetically. “Once is enough.” Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.” For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. ” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. ” After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing.

But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and ,000 in cash. “I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man,” my father said. that Vicks smells good.” I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. But a prom you do only once.” The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. “This is just rosemary extract,” I complained to my husband. “You’re smarter already.” Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! ” A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. • I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. ” Her husband calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.” As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. “Things have gotten so bad,” she said, “I think I might ask for a divorce. “Then you’ll have an excuse for when you miss.” The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.

• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. It was a text message from her husband: “Move.” These are the best jokes from up-and-coming Canadian comedians. Because I couldn’t put up with this every morning.” Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. “Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, “she’s there.” Ready to groan? Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. “They die after about a week.” “So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you around.” Feeling listless, I bought some expensive “brain-stimulating” pills at the health food store.

I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while. “You could’ve looked it up in the phone book.” “I didn’t know what name to look under.” Every night, Harry goes out drinking. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. I just paid someone 0 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ ” he said.

“Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words,” she says. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for 8,000.” On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

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